Auditioning for tampon commercials and other cautionary tales

I’m a lady stand up comedian. But I rarely call myself that because it makes me gag. Ha- geddit? Don’t worry, there’s plenty more where that came from. Because indeed I am a lady. There’s several things you might notice about me that indicate as such. My advanced sense of empathy for one, that’s pretty obvious. My high pain threshold- that one’s staring you right in the face- and the fact that my language centres are more evenly distributed between both my cerebral hemispheres. I mean, even a blind man could see that… in the dark.

But being a lady stand up, there are certain cliches aren’t there? Certain things you might expect me to talk about, certain- lady topics. You might think that I do jokes like:

‘Did you know that single ladies don’t fart? Yeah, that’s because they don’t have arseholes until they’re married. Ha! Men!’

Or:

‘Last time I was ovulating I was so horny that I fucked a carrot. Yeah, and then I made a cake!’

Something like that.

But I actually think that’s really boring. I think it’s really cliched and really done and really over. For example, I have never done jokes about vaginas, fallopian tubes or cervix’s, dilated or otherwise. I wouldn’t talk about periods, bleeding, discharge or yeast infections. I have never done material about sex, gay sex, straight sex, penises, foreskins or orgasms, multiple or otherwise. I have not and would not talk about my weight: my relationship to my weight, losing weight, gaining weight, diets, exercise or Oprah. I have never had an eating disorder. I have never had bulimia, anorexia nervosa or psoriasis, not that psoriasis is particularly lady related, I’ve just always felt fortunate because there’s really nothing you can do about psoriasis is there? It’s terrible. I’ve never talked about dating or the differences between men and women or my girlfriend or my boyfriend or my cat. Mainly because I don’t have one and I hate them.

And I just think it’s really really really boring.

So you can imagine how I felt when I get this phone call early one morning. It woke me up- it was about 11.30 and it’s from this advertising agency. Exciting right? And they’re like ‘Oh Bron, we got your details from such and such, we’ve seen you perform and we think you’d be great for this commercial we’re shooting. It’s a national campaign, the fee is $50,000…’ And that’s where I pretty much stopped listening. And I was like ‘Oh yeah, great, uh huh, cool, yeah, awesome, no sounds great, yeah, sweet, no worries’- like, I played it super cool. And then I asked what it was for and she said ‘tampons’. But not only was the ad for tampons, they wanted a female stand up comedian to do material ABOUT TAMPONS. And that’s the ad.

Oh the dramatic irony!

And it’s a national campaign right? So for ever after you’re the tampon girl. I just started to envision a life where I’d be walking down the street and people would be like:

‘Hey! It’s the Tampon Girl!’

Or:

‘Hey Tampon Girl! Why don’t you stick this up your clacker?’

Or:

‘Hey Tampon Girl! I’ve got my own flesh tampon for you right here oh yeah.’

I don’t know whether that one would actually happen.

And I didn’t know what to do, because on the one hand, we have principles and morals and pride and artistic integrity and on the other hand we have $50,000 fucking dollars. So you can imagine which one won out. I mean, who am I kidding? I would fellate a goat on national television for $50,000. I would. I would lick that goat until things started to happen.

And then I was like ‘Fuck! What am I going to do? I don’t have any lady material!’ So I did what sensible people do. I made a list. I made a list I made a list of synonyms for tampons to try and get the creative juices flowing. And this is what I came up with:

Bleed Blockers

Vag Vessels

Fanny Packs- I like that one. It’s got layers, think about it.

Tubular Bells- bit obscure, I know

Blood Boogers- I’m aware it’s gross

Then I got an email saying they wanted us to seamlessly include jokes about the tampon’s new features into our material. Yeah, like making the technicalities of tampons funny is real easy. Not to mention what it would do to my rep.

But then it struck me. I realised how I could audition for a tampon commercial without losing my street cred. It was suddenly so obvious.

The answer lay in rap.

I would do a tampon rap. Because rap is cool right? And therefore, I would be cool.

Now normally I perform this rap live and backed by some phat beats, wearing sunglasses with tampons hanging off them. But in this case I have included the lyrics below so you can make up your own version.

And this whole story? Absolutely true.

Me performing the Tampon Rap in Edinburgh at The Last Tuesday Society

Here we go.

If Aunt Flo’s in town

Don’t wear a frown

I’ve news to cheer you up

If you’re feeling down

It’s got new wavy grooves

So it won’t bruise

And it’s easy to use

You know what to choose

Code red!

OMG I’m OMP

Riding the crimson tide

In my evil week

OMP on my period y’all

If the painters are in

It’s got a knotted string

So you can yank it on down

Then put that shit in the bin

The red river is here

You’ve got nothing to fear

With a new tapered tip

You’ll be all in the clear

OMFG I’m OMP

On my ladies holiday

Riding the cotton pony

Nothin’ rhymes with tampon y’all

If you’re on the blob

Get on the job

With new outer twist wraps

For your lady flaps

If you’re on your rags

Don’t be a dag

Don’t hide away

Just raise your red flag and DANCE

Or go bike riding, play tennis, go ride a horse

Just feel secure

28 days laterz

 

Needless to say, I didn’t get the gig

 

 

 

 

 

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