I’m a lady stand up comedian. But I rarely call myself that because it makes me gag. Ha- geddit? Don’t worry, there’s plenty more where that came from. Because indeed I am a lady. There’s several things you might notice about me that indicate as such. My advanced sense of empathy for one, that’s pretty obvious. My high pain threshold- that one’s staring you right in the face- and the fact that my language centres are more evenly distributed between both my cerebral hemispheres. I mean, even a blind man could see that… in the dark.
But being a lady stand up, there are certain cliches aren’t there? Certain things you might expect me to talk about, certain- lady topics. You might think that I do jokes like:
‘Did you know that single ladies don’t fart? Yeah, that’s because they don’t have arseholes until they’re married. Ha! Men!’
‘Last time I was ovulating I was so horny that I fucked a carrot. Yeah, and then I made a cake!’
Something like that.
But I actually think that’s really boring. I think it’s really cliched and really done and really over. For example, I have never done jokes about vaginas, fallopian tubes or cervix’s, dilated or otherwise. I wouldn’t talk about periods, bleeding, discharge or yeast infections. I have never done material about sex, gay sex, straight sex, penises, foreskins or orgasms, multiple or otherwise. I have not and would not talk about my weight: my relationship to my weight, losing weight, gaining weight, diets, exercise or Oprah. I have never had an eating disorder. I have never had bulimia, anorexia nervosa or psoriasis, not that psoriasis is particularly lady related, I’ve just always felt fortunate because there’s really nothing you can do about psoriasis is there? It’s terrible. I’ve never talked about dating or the differences between men and women or my girlfriend or my boyfriend or my cat. Mainly because I don’t have one and I hate them.
And I just think it’s really really really boring.
So you can imagine how I felt when I get this phone call early one morning. It woke me up- it was about 11.30 and it’s from this advertising agency. Exciting right? And they’re like ‘Oh Bron, we got your details from such and such, we’ve seen you perform and we think you’d be great for this commercial we’re shooting. It’s a national campaign, the fee is $50,000…’ And that’s where I pretty much stopped listening. And I was like ‘Oh yeah, great, uh huh, cool, yeah, awesome, no sounds great, yeah, sweet, no worries’- like, I played it super cool. And then I asked what it was for and she said ‘tampons’. But not only was the ad for tampons, they wanted a female stand up comedian to do material ABOUT TAMPONS. And that’s the ad.
Oh the dramatic irony!
And it’s a national campaign right? So for ever after you’re the tampon girl. I just started to envision a life where I’d be walking down the street and people would be like:
‘Hey! It’s the Tampon Girl!’
‘Hey Tampon Girl! Why don’t you stick this up your clacker?’
‘Hey Tampon Girl! I’ve got my own flesh tampon for you right here oh yeah.’
I don’t know whether that one would actually happen.
And I didn’t know what to do, because on the one hand, we have principles and morals and pride and artistic integrity and on the other hand we have $50,000 fucking dollars. So you can imagine which one won out. I mean, who am I kidding? I would fellate a goat on national television for $50,000. I would. I would lick that goat until things started to happen.
And then I was like ‘Fuck! What am I going to do? I don’t have any lady material!’ So I did what sensible people do. I made a list. I made a list I made a list of synonyms for tampons to try and get the creative juices flowing. And this is what I came up with:
Fanny Packs- I like that one. It’s got layers, think about it.
Tubular Bells- bit obscure, I know
Blood Boogers- I’m aware it’s gross
Then I got an email saying they wanted us to seamlessly include jokes about the tampon’s new features into our material. Yeah, like making the technicalities of tampons funny is real easy. Not to mention what it would do to my rep.
But then it struck me. I realised how I could audition for a tampon commercial without losing my street cred. It was suddenly so obvious.
The answer lay in rap.
I would do a tampon rap. Because rap is cool right? And therefore, I would be cool.
Now normally I perform this rap live and backed by some phat beats, wearing sunglasses with tampons hanging off them. But in this case I have included the lyrics below so you can make up your own version.
And this whole story? Absolutely true.
Here we go.
If Aunt Flo’s in town
Don’t wear a frown
I’ve news to cheer you up
If you’re feeling down
It’s got new wavy grooves
So it won’t bruise
And it’s easy to use
You know what to choose
OMG I’m OMP
Riding the crimson tide
In my evil week
OMP on my period y’all
If the painters are in
It’s got a knotted string
So you can yank it on down
Then put that shit in the bin
The red river is here
You’ve got nothing to fear
With a new tapered tip
You’ll be all in the clear
OMFG I’m OMP
On my ladies holiday
Riding the cotton pony
Nothin’ rhymes with tampon y’all
If you’re on the blob
Get on the job
With new outer twist wraps
For your lady flaps
If you’re on your rags
Don’t be a dag
Don’t hide away
Just raise your red flag and DANCE
Or go bike riding, play tennis, go ride a horse
Just feel secure
28 days laterz
Needless to say, I didn’t get the gig